Only Myself To Offer
by unexpecteddreamz
Summary: What can Castiel give to someone who deserves everything? All he have to offer is himself. Maybe it will be enough. Maybe he will make it be enough. He has to try!
1. Chapter 1

**PAST:**

**Dean has been cured of the Mark of Cain. Castiel is now human. **

"Cas, It dosen't matter to me that you're not an angel anymore. I've been wanting to say this for a long time and well, here goes. I need you. I love you and I want to be with you. I've never loved anyone like I love you. Please tell me if there is any hope that you might love me back."

_Long pause as Castiel looks deep into those pleading and hopeful green eyes._

"Dean, I have always known that you are special to me, in a way no one else can ever be. I don't have anything to offer other than myself. If you will have me, I'm Yours."

**NOW:**

He has gotten good at this. He knew he could. After all, it is nothing compared to some of the major deceptions he has pulled off in his lifetime of lies. It has been fairly easy to simulate love when you really aren't expected to know how to express it anyway.

At first, it was easy to just be a mirror and reflect back what was offered. Dean kissed him, kisses were returned. Hands roamed his bodys' intimate areas in loving touches. He reciprocated with seeming appreciation. Paying close attention to the ways Dean tried to give him pleasure. He catalogued every touch that was appropiate for a lover to show.

Now, when he is laying on his back with his body open for Dean's pleasure, feeling the man moving inside him, all the right sounds and responses come easily now. During sex, In the beginning he had taken his cue from Dean. Since he hadn't ever been with a man, his hesitancy was blamed on inexperience.

The internet had also been very helpful (_Seriously, gay porn looked weird!)_. It would have been so much easier had either Dean or Jimmy been born female. With practice he learned how to give and enjoy homosexual pleasure. Even to making himself orgasm when he needs to. It is important to Dean that Cas enjoy their times together, so orgasming had been a necessary skill to learn. His body _really does_ enjoy the physical release of endorphins that are generated when they have sex.

If only his heart and mind were so easily directed.

Loving looks and tender moments are now well learned behavioral patterns too. Dean dosen't need just sex. He desperately wants to love and be loved. Cas will do his best to make him believe that he has that.

After all, it is all for Dean. The man he has betrayed and decieved so many times deserves to be happy and loved. Dean must never know that Cas cares for him only as a friend and brother-in-arms. Castiel will devote the rest of his human life to making sure that the eldest Winchester never suspects his 'angel' is 'faking it'.

This is the one thing that he is determined NOT to fail at! It gives him purpose and a reason for existing. To Dean Winchester he _is_ everything and he will give Dean anything he needs. _Anything!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Deans' POV**

Something about Castiel seems off tonight. Dean can't quite figure out why, but something's definitely different. Since their return from this last hunt he has been unusually distant and seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

Cas had been captured by the monster they were hunting, only to be rescued by Dean less than an hour later. Unharmed (except for rope burns on his wrists and a needle puncture in his arm) and pissed off at himself for being captured, Cas had fallen into this unusually withdrawn behavior.

Maybe Cas was upset at being caught off guard by the creature. Or perhaps he resented having to be rescued. The man was proud of his ability to take care of himself on a hunt. But both he and Dean knew that even the best hunter sometimes needed a backup. Hell, in the past he's saved Deans ass a few times too.

As much as he wants to help, Dean knows that sometimes it's best to give Cas his space. He's more than willing to be there for him. Whether he needs to talk or maybe just someone to hold him. Dean wants to be anything his angel needs.

He and Cas have been together as a couple for a nearly a year now. It has been a mixture of wonder, happiness, and a little fear that it's all just a dream. He didn't think it possible, but he loves the quirky ex-angel more with each passing day. How can you keep increasing something that already feels beyond measure? Damn if he understands it. But there it is.

When he told Cas he loved him, it was the scariest moment of his life. Nothing on Earth or in Hell scared him more than the idea that he might be wrecking their friendship with that action. In the pause between his question and Castiels' answer Dean waited to see if his world would end or begin anew.

It had been a learning experience for both of them. The hunter had never been good with long term relationships. He tended to keep people at a distance because of his dangerous life and (if he was being totally honest here) fear of rejection. Dean Winchester was not as smungly confident as he tried to project. Whereas Cas didn't even totally understand how to express his feelings. They had figured out together how to be a couple.

The sex had, at first, had been a lot of trial and error. Dean really wasn't very experienced with men. Getting the ocasional blow job from a willing guy in an alley or bathroom was as far as he'd ever gone. And Cas, well he was new to _everything_. The first time Dean caught him watching gay porn the blue-eyed man had turned an adorable bright red. He said he was "doing research" on how to "optomize their performance in bed". It was touching and hilarious at the same time.

So, if Cas needs to work something out in his head, Dean can give him the space. He will be here if he needs him. He will always be here for Cas.

From out of the kitchen where Castiel has gone to get his usual late night fix of herbal tea (How he can drink that stuff is beyond Dean's understanding.) Dean hears the crash of something shattering as it hits the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel was confused. Very, very confused. Up until recently he thought he understood his actions and the reasons behind them.

He and Dean had been on a typical hunt for a djinn that was preying on the residents of a small coastal town in North Carolina. The hunt was fairly straight forward. This coastal area didn't have caves and most houses in the area lacked basements. That cut down on the availabe hiding places to just one old closed factory and two abandoned warehouses. They split up to scout the sites and planned to meet up back at the motel.

That was when Cas got unlucky. Or at least that was what he tried to tell himself. Because he refused to believe that anything as stupid as that low, vile, and disgusting creature outsmarted him. It was just pure bad luck that it got the drop on him and knocked him out as he was entering the factory basement.

Later, when Dean saved him, he had been shaken. Not by the danger, but by the dream he had been in. It was suppose to be a dream of what he wanted most in life. So why hadn't he dreamed he was an angel again? Surely, that was what he wanted most. Wasn't it?

In the dream, he woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and the sound of Dean cooking breakfast in the bunkers' kitchen. After an affectionate good morning kiss and plate of chocolate chip pancakes from Dean, he began his day.

Mundane things like cleaning up, making their bed and laundry were made pleasant by having Dean doing them with him. Then after lunch he helped Sam with research while Dean went to the nearest town for supplies. Supplies they needed because they were having their friends over for a "family" dinner.

Apparently, the angels never fell in his perfect world. Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Kevin were still alive and doing well. Anna and Balathzar were his human siblings that loved him. They were all there that evening happy in this close gathering of loved ones.

At the end of the day, after everyone left, he led Dean to their bedroom where they were very glad the walls were soundproof. Their lovemaking was passionate, loud, and enthusiastic. Castiel couldn't imagine anything more wonderful than being with his lover like this. There was no pretense, no hesitation, nothing but total joy. After he fell blissfully asleep in Deans' embrace, he was abruptly awakened from the djinn dream world by the hunter saving him.

It was nearly an year since he had decided to convice Dean that he was loved and wanted in the way he needed. It was a decision he was content with. The hunter had endured so much pain and loss in his life that Cas couldn't deny him the confort of feeling that somebody who knew his mistakes and flaws could still love him.

He had emersed himself in the role of both romantic lover and willing sexual partner. That wasn't the problem that haunted Castiel.

If it was just a roleplay, why had it been as if it were true in his so called perfect dream world? Why had he been so happy and content without even a thought of pretense or deception?

He's pondering these questions as he makes himself a cup of herbal tea. When it comes,the answer shocks him so deeply that he drops the cup. and as it shatters on the floor he realizes one fact with sudden clarity.

_He really does love Dean Winchester with all his heart. What had strarted out as a lie of kindness had become the most wonderously fufilling truth! Exactly when it had happened he didn't know, but now he was no longer living a lie. He felt something he hadn't believed himself capable of. He was in love! With Dean!_

"Cas are you alright? I heard a crash. Do you need my help?"

"No Dean I'm fine. i just dropped a cup. It won't take but a moment to clean it up. So you just stay there and I'll be right with you." _My Love._


End file.
